I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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