I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
