Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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