WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
