So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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