I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
