we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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