Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
