I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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