If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
