Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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