I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
