Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
