I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
