Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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