Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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