Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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