Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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