This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dicks are not precious.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize