dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
