it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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