Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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