You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
