she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
