at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
