i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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