whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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