I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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