I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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