I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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