can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
