Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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