I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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