you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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