Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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