There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
