I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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