I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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