2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
