If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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