That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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