why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
