Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
