that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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