I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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