Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
