Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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