My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
