I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
