Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
