I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
