Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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