someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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