Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
