I think my fart just growled at me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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