I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's like iHOP with fire
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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