Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
