Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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